I need to move on

The past few days it's felt as though God is asking questions of me, questions I don't feel particularly ready to answer.

It's as if he's sifting me, going through a list of sorts. Asking me questions about this and that in my life. And as I said, I feel quite lost with the dimensions of the questions he's asking.

I know what my sunday school answers are, but they are just not sufficient for these questions of his. I need to go deeper, lot's deeper.

A couple of weeks ago he showed me some of what I considered amazing secrets into my life. He included some direction for me to pursue, things I need to follow up on.

But it's hard, real hard. And I am by nature a lazy beggar, looking for comfort.

The road isn't clearly marked out before me, but I need to take steps. I need to travel down ways that will lead to death of choice and comfort. I don't know if I have the courage to go there, again.

And hey, it's not like He will hate me or leave me if I don't go down those roads... But I know I need to go there. I just know.

It's not bad taking an occasional journey to that place of death. You go there and lay something on the altar, and a few days later, you're back from the journey maybe living like you've forgotten it.

I think he's asking me to spend more time there, on the altar. Living in the fire so that it purifies. Living in the land of "It's not my choice anymore."

I shouldn't set this up like I'm some kind of a martyr, cause I'm not. I'm not a hero or a great guy. I am a guy who fails and sins and does really stupid things. I don't really want to go where he wants me to go. And it's getting worse these days.

See, I'm getting older. I'm starting to have to lay aside dreams I've always held in my heart. Private altars of things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go. Looks like some of those things need to be torn down, ...again.

If it were about levels, I suppose this would be the place where we would be going to the next level with God. I just publicly confess I don't want to go. I want my comforts. I want my future. I want to decide. I want, I want, I want.

But he alone speaks the words of eternal life.

 

Why do I write this down here?

Well, I confess, putting it into words has helped focus the inner struggle. And it makes me a bit more accountable for my future choices.

And I guess I want you to know that at my very core I can be a very not nice man. A part of me wants you to know what a martyr I am, what a self-sacrificing pain in the ass, (sorry mom,) backside I can be. I want to name that pride, and by calling it what it is, diminish it's strength in me. And I need that these days.

So, when you think of me can you can pray a bit? I don't want to spend my life dancing around the same set of questions, which will happen if I get hung up here. I want to press in, to move ahead, to be blessed and a blessing. I do want to go where he wants me to go and live the way he asks me to live. It is a better place by far, than any place I could create for myself.

I'll end this monologue with the words from my favorite poem.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to'another due,
Labor to'admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Holy Sonnet XVI: Batter My Heart. John Donne (1572-1631)