My turn. - Pastoring Women

Alright, between kleenex etc. here is my story about shepherding (pastorally caring for) women.

I remember the day I realized that I could be involved in an illicit affair with a woman I worked with or cared for, professionally. It was the day in college that we discovered that my Theology professor, my quiet, geekish, all about God, Theology professor had been suspended for having an "Affair" with his office assistant.

The one who warned us weekly to keep ourselves safe from innuendo and dangerous situations, was himself caught up in such a mess. It was devastating. That day I knew, like I have never known before or since, that if he could do it, I could do it too.

Probably one of the most profound things I took away from college.

So I have been taught all the stuff, and it's ranged from, "Don't meet women at all, ever, anyplace" to "Whatever your wife is comfortable with." -Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I pastor a church where a previous pastor had an affair with a church member. It's also a church where most of the people who attend, and are involved in the leadership structures, are women.

I came to the realization early on, that if I was going to be of any help to these people, I was going to have to build relationships with women. Thus I have. And I have found it to be a wonderful experience. The relationship I seek to build with them is not just a relationship of some authority figure in their lives, but also a friendship in which we can discover life together. We look to see where God is at work in their/our lives, and we thank Him together.

A part of me resents that my professionalism is questioned because of other's failures. I know I have it in me to fail, by virtue of the fact that I am Adam. But does that then limit me to a lifetime of friendships with guys only? Or, does that mean that so much of my time is spent making arrangements to cover my backside? For now, I've decided no.

There is a measure of risk in all that I do. Anybody at anytime could stand up and point a finger at me and shout "Sexual abuse." And it would be up to me to prove it differently. That's happened to guys I know and am aware of, even the ultra careful ones. So I do try to be reasonably careful.

If a certain woman makes either Lauralea or I uncomfortable, or we just don't know them, I will take great pains not to give them a chance to blow up my life's calling.

I talk to Lauralea about it, regularly. I ask what she's seeing. She usually has it right on.

I work hard to build a reputation as a brother in Christ, or a father in Christ, rather than an aloof professional, disengaged from their lives.

Lauralea and I do stuff with them and their families, so she's not at work or at home out of the picture someplace. We do cultivate friendships.

My good relationship with her is my best covering.
When we first came here it was interesting to watch how different people would test me. Some women actually were testing me, to see what I was made of. I'm not sure they even realized this themselves, but Lauralea saw it coming a long way off. And she was right. They were checking to see how or if I would respond to their sexuality.

And others didn't even begin to trust me for five years. And after those five years, we got more accomplished in an hour than we would have the whole first year, one hour a week.
Caring for the men and women around me has been a huge blessing. Not because I get power from it, but because I see them grow, and change. And I usually find that when I need it most, they pour life back into me as well. My life would be so different without it, without them.

The ministry is so unique, each situation and heart is different. So I use the wisdom I have, on loan from God, to judge each person the best I can. Sometimes I care for them in a group, sometimes I care for them one on one. Sometimes I counsel in my office, sometimes I counsel with them at the door as they are getting ready to leave. Sometimes Lauralea is there, sometimes she isn't there, in body.

I do have personal and professional policies in place which I refuse to cross, but so far I haven't had to struggle with any of those lines yet.

And other than that, I seek to treat individuals as individuals. Unique. Blessed. Equals.

g'nite.