Lauralea asked me on the phone tonight if I"d had any big epiphanies yet. She meant of course, are things getting clearer, any new fresh insights into life in general, our life in particular.
I confess that the largest epiphany was one I expected the least.
The epiphany is that my dad is dead.
I knew he was gone the morning of the 24th. I knew he was gone as we walked through the week of planning and viewing and funeral etc. I knew he was gone last week, when we had friends over, when I was preparing the sermon and visiting people in the hospital. I knew he was gone then, I thought.
But a part of my retreat and my escape to pray brought me through Saskatoon. And when in Saskatoon I came to my parents home, and just my mom was there. Dad was gone.
Some of his stuff is still around, and it still smells of his aftershave, but he is pretty much gone.
I am surprised by how that catches me unaware, again.
I guess it"s like I go home to P.A. and get on with life and its easy enough to not think of him as being gone, because in the past I could go for a week without seeing him and it didn"t ever mean he was dead. Except now it does.
Dad is really gone. Dead.
I never saw that one coming.
New tears...
Another epiphany I experienced, small as it may be, happened tonight as I watched a stunning sunset.
The colours were amazing, bright oranges and pinks mingled in with the deep blues of an approaching storm. As I watched I wondered silently what sights dad had now seen since he moved on to paradise.
The thought came like this, I wonder how his heart responds to these new sights, knowing that the person and people he would love to show them to, is back in Saskatoon Saskatchewan.
Like the times I travel and see amazing things, I instantly wish Lauralea could be with me to enjoy the sight too.
I suspect of course he would think of mom and how she would love it too. But I wonder if the joy of heaven is great enough to supplant that momentary hesitation, that wish for her to see it too.
I dunno. For now.
Night.
Grief is a wild thing. You're fine when you don't expect to be and get bowled over by reality when you don't expect it.
ReplyDeleteMany prayers coming your way.
I definitely found it most difficult after my grandma died going to their house. There was grandpa sitting in his chair and grandma's chair was empty. I kept expecting her to come walking around the corner. :(
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