That little creative writing project I did there the other night was really a description of how I was feeling, physically and emotionally. About the pain that sometimes seems to go along with being alive.
It caught me by surprise, because internal strength is what I often would like to portray. But this, this "weakness" seems to be so much a part of who I am these days that it is useless to try to shake it. So, instead, I turn to face it. Not to fight it, but somehow to acknowledge it. To respect it by realizing that it's there.
No amount of looking the other way or pretending, or pushing it down inside will do anymore. For Pete's sake, I'm 43 now, and I should be able to look at myself as I am, without flinching. :)
I'm learning to be aware of what's going on inside me. What my limits are, and where feelings are coming from. I hate like crazy to say it, but I think I'm becoming in tune with myself. More self aware. This is a good thing.
I am not afraid or frightened. I am, pleased that I can feel inside. I am a fairly sensitive individual, and I can easily pick up on other peoples stuff. But I've never been able to really feel, or sense, me. Yet these days, here I am, better able to recognize when I've had enough. When I need to rest or work. When I need to pray, or be still. It's a balance. Balancing life.
Yes, I am tired. Emotionally. But I can see that better than I used to be able to see that. It used to be a big painful blur, an awkward flailing about, a heavy depression. But like the once blind man said, now I can see.
And honestly, I'm not too sure what to do about the weariness. How it can be eased or helped, how I can get emotional rest. But it doesn't feel heavy. That is very good.
This living on the edge of lostness is just a description of how it sometimes feels. I don't fear falling, I think. And it's probably just for a season or so. As I learn about myself and who and what I am, I realize I am growing, discovering more of who I am inside. This makes living on the edge, a gift. Not always easy, but not always hard either.
If that makes any sense at all.
From the edge.
I have a feeling, this too is a season. We all change - it's as certain as death and taxes.
ReplyDeleteI can understand Randall. I've been there many times in my journey of life and I find the edge keeps me sharp but maybe too guarded sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThere are moments like yours the other day. Moments where arms are flailing and circling trying to regain balance. Balance has always returned as the edge is pulled away from and they help me to have my revelations, hear what God wants me to hear and re-realize that everything will be fine if not comfortable.