Today ended up being about taking some time for my sprit to catch up with my body, or so it seemed. An appointment cancelled and another surprised me early in the day, so after those surprises I took some time for some physical work that's been needed doing at the house since we moved. Lauralea is gone so it was just me in the field today doing what I needed to do, and that work gave me time and space to pray. Many people in my life who need it these days, so I spent the time in that kind of a mode.
It's becoming apparent to me that God's agenda for me for these days has to do with strengthening the ties I have with him, rather than any kind of an outside ministry beyond the field I am presently in. At least that is the conclusion I am coming to. I've been having opportunities to do some writing for different "Outlets" if you will, and invitations to be involved in different media interviews relating to faith. There have been invitations to speak in other places and family camps etc. but to date either the doors that have been opened to me have been closed or my spirit has not been at peace as I've asked God about them, and I've declined the opportunities. It's been happening enough now that I know something is up.
In my humanness it's nice to be wanted, to be called and asked. And in my humanness it's nice to go and travel and talk to people and care for them spiritually, and I'm not always sure that my motives are completely pure in all these chances. I'm a little different than Jesus was, well ok I'm a LOT different, but I'm sure that if I could feed 5000 hungry guys with a small lunch, I'd leverage that against building a nice big space I could preach in and teach in and amaze the masses in. Unlike Jesus who snuck away and went and prayed. Alone.
There are moments that I get scared that I will be forgotten here. That I will live out my days in relative obscurity without even having a positive effect on those around me. It's a different thing to lay down ones life for a calling that God calls them to, as opposed to giving up ones life for a group of people who simply like what you do. The difference is vast and the one I'm willing to do while the other, I'm not sure about.
So when opportunities arise, a part of me is quite interested. Probably the part of me that still needs to learn the art of stillness and humility. I am confident in following His leading though. I trust him with who I am and who he is calling me to be, and I know that going deeper with him will only make me of more use here in this field for those who come and go in this place. I know that that is the better option and will lead to greater fulfillment and joy for me - and I'm not just saying that. God has proven to me over and over that it's not about what I get out of life that feeds me, it's about what he gives to me that feeds me and gives me life.
And with that I'm off to bed.
Night internets. Sleep well.