If I were being truthful
At least I think I'm like a sucker. I think...
No, the church doesn't know I'm working, and the leadership doesn't know that I'm working. I think Lauralea suspects that I am working and has indicated so with a frowny face.
And I don't want to be working, but I am. That's just how it is.
There are some church families/individuals that need attention, and I don't really know how to help them. Some because they cannot really be helped, that's just the reality of life.
But still I am working at it, thinking, processing, trying, praying.
And I am not playing, laughing, resting, re-creating.
THAT really troubles me.
Why some people cannot/will not be helped, in spite of me or us or God even.
I can't just walk away from them. Maybe that's what makes me crazy.
Instead I work and pray to think up the words or language or a process that could maybe help them a little. Give them hope, lead them to life, give them a rope to hang on to.
I know I'm not their messiah, or even Messiah. I know that. It just really ticks me off that some lives fall away, people loose their hope, stories fail, because people are, what's the word, selfish? Stubborn? Fiercely independent?
Maybe I'm just tired that some thirty years into this gig, sometimes there are still people who can't be or won't be helped.
And maybe it scares me because I am one of the most selfish people I know.