Thursday, April 14, 2022

It's hard but its good too

I take a few moments to stumble into the past of this blog of mine and I realize that through the years of life there have been times of great strength and times of weakness. I often remember the times of weakness, not so much the times of strength.

I am in a weak place right now. 

I find myself struggling with hopelessness, feeling worthless, and pessimistic. I am becoming forgetful, not able to manage much on my plate, I have difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions. 

The part that effects Lauralea is my feeling bothered, or annoyed, or angry. The mood changes, anger, aggressiveness and irritability. The part I hate is the loss of interest in things I once enjoyed, and this overarching sadness that never goes away.

So I am trying to own what the Doctor told me two weeks ago. Severe clinical depression.

Interesting how I fight that. But how glad am I that I am not going crazy or aging out of life. 

There are good reasons for this as the doctor told me. And we will take steps to get healthy again. But it's not a quick fix. I am doing all the right things, seeing my Doctor, and meeting with my therapist and spiritual director etc. etc.

The good doctor asked me if my faith in God had suffered through this time and I told him that to the contrary I had found that to be a source of strength and hope in my life, which he was pleased about.

I know that many others are experiencing this same thing in these times. It is difficult and all consuming. I get it. 

For me it's the action of a caring God that I see daily. It is not that He has taken this away from me, but He sure is blessing the small limited things I have to offer this community. I told Lauralea yesterday that in this time of feeling so unable and broken, there is such amazing work going on here that God is doing.

It's hard, but it's good too. 

A day of tests.

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