I've been thinking about friendships lately.
A week or two ago we had some people over who have been a part of the church for some 18 years. After the visit, they commented that that had been the first time they had ever been invited to anyone's home. I nearly died.
Now, understand that they are not needy, nor do they have leprosy, (I gather) but they have never been invited to another home.
Why are they still here?
Well, because they grew up here I suppose. And when you grow up with something, you often don't know what you're missing.
Hmm, so, a church which you attend, with no friends in it.
Shouldn't the church be a place for friends?
Now, we are a friendly church, I hear that comment all the time. So why this major failure? I suspect it's because the worst enemy of friendships is friendliness.
Friendliness allows us to keep things fairly surface. Friendliness helps us to hide what's going on inside. It protects us from possible harm. Keeps us from going deeper, into the areas of our lives in which we need to go, in order to grow, heal, develop, love.
I'm starting to wonder if the enemy of friendships isn't aloneness it's friendliness.
Most of us have been in discussions before with friends when things have gotten tense because we disagree. Our quick response is to move the chat up to the safe level again.
Sometimes it's love that motivates us back to the safe ground, but usually it's fear. And when our friendships are based on fear rather than love, well, what kind of friendship is it anyway. It just turns into some hollow friendliness thing. And friendship dies.
A friendly church, without friends, is a church on palliative care. It's death is just down the road. Go home and get your affairs in order because you're gonna die.
The only hope is if the church is willing and able to create some new friendships. If it can become a church of friends.
Unfortunately, that is as likely as a man with cancer living through his sickness. It can happen, but it's a miracle if it does.
Looks like got some fire in your belly! Blog on!
ReplyDeleteTricky one.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years back one of our guys preached on "removing the mask". He challenged us about the classical "How are you?", "I'm all right thanks, how are you?" conversations we have. Although they aren't bad (they're our way of affirming group membership) they can just be a front to hide behind. Many years ago I was going through a time of depression, and when asked the question, would reply truthfully. This caused some people, including those that should know better, to either ignore what I'd said or to just walk away. It was the wrong answer!
I've recently found that I'm tending to invite people less. It's been a gradual erosion, but with growing children, general lack of time and less energy it's been happening. We have started using the summer weather as an opportunity to invite people over for Barbies etc.
You're right about the friendship thing though. Those that stick tend to be the ones that develop good relationships reasonably quickly. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're the 'normal' ones either, in fact those with deeper problems tend to do better, because one is inclined to put more effort into the relationship in order to help them.
It does feel like there has been a gradual withdrawal from relationships etc.
ReplyDeleteFamilies are tired, or we have other distractions that take the time that used to go into relationships and hospitality. It is such a difficult thing to create and maintain relationships these days.
It's easier, after a long day, to plop down and watch a family interact on TV. The characters are more familiar to us, and easier to connect with emotionally, than real people.
No easy answers, but the status quo is unacceptable.
Had a great time Wednesday night. Think I've mentioned that God has said "pause, turn and focus (on Him)", so we've scrapped our normal meetings for times to just do that.
ReplyDeleteWell, Barrie (one of our Elders) has been really caught up with the need to re-focus, and has started taking us into the first few chapters of Revelation. Looked last night at the topic of "abandoning our first love". Pointed out that without having God as our first love then our love for others in the church is diminished and could even disappear, since it all stems from that love. At the end he passed out a 'Meditation on Rev 2:4'. Below are some of the key items listed:
Have my priorities in the following areas become distorted so I allow legitimate but ultimately less improtant things to erode the outworking of my first love?
Time Money Activities Relationships
Attitudes: Cf Haggai 1:5-11
Have my attitudes of -
Honour and respect for the Lord and His kingdom
Love and respect for other people
Love and passion for the Lord's work
Become contaminated or distorted by -
Frustration and failures
Weariness and laziness
Grudges and unforgiveness
Desire for material comfort or possessions?
There was more than this, and all good stuff. However the key bit was put at the bottom.
"But note that it's about changing by God's grace and through his power, NOT by self effort. Grace, not legalism is God's heart. Self effort and striving, whatever the motivation, without the conviction and empowering of the Holy Spirit always ends in legalism"
Thanks Toni,
ReplyDeleteI'm soaking it up a while.