I just realized, this summer it's different.

My need for a break seems more pronounced this year than it has in previous years. I think I'm realizing why.

Usually, the week before holidays, I spend some time at a friend's cabin in a prayer retreat. I review the year and my work and effectiveness as a pastor. I pray through things and my spirit quiets down. The healing begins even before my "Official Holiday" starts. This year for various reasons, that has not happened. I guess I really value that. 

Usually our family spends a day at the lake with another family. We celebrate my birthday and the birthday of the other families' mom. We have fun and relax and unwind. This year we will not be doing it. The other family finds itself in a life and death struggle with cancer. -"Death, thou shalt die."

Usually I'm the one straggling into holidays, needing a break. Lauralea makes the plans and reminds me of the importance of getting away from here. Even just to help renew the spirit, getting a new view is invigorating, life-giving.  This year even she is saying she doesn't have the energy to move.

Usually there are four kids at the table clamoring about going here or there. This year I've heard only one voice asking about "Vacation." I've got enough failed fathering techniques to choke a horse. One of the biggest to me, is how I've needed used holidays to recuperate, get healed up after a long year, rather than spend it making memories with the kids. 

Usually I feel physically ok, but emotionally tired. This summer I don't even feel well physically. Recently, headaches and neck and back pain have been new additions to my life. I have discovered the sweet relief a well-placed muscle relaxant can bring. Those and Tylenol have become my companions. I think the problems are related to the emotional stuff going on inside and should ease up as I rest and take a break.

 And what is this "Emotional Stuff" inside of me? Why should I even need time to "Heal" or "Get Better."

This work can be very demanding. One of the reasons I've been asked to sit on a few boards and hey, one of the reasons I'm an ok pastor is because of a high level of sensitivity I was created with. I try not to develop a thick skin which makes me insensitive to the nuances of the needs I see. I bring pastoral, shepherding gifts to all I do, even this webpage. And, I suppose the things' I experience are not easily left to the wind.

The things that still sit with me from the past year?

Telling the 9-year-old boy that his mom, who he was in the accident with, is dead. His dad died two years ago and he's an only child.

Receiving the news that a friend's daughter is dead.

Sitting with a 16-year-old girl who found her dad dead from a suicide. She found her mom the same way three years ago.

Listening to a sobbing broken heart as they tell me they are very sure their spouse is having an affair.

The girl who tried so hard to take her own life after her mom died.

The friend who called me to say cancer has been found.

Listening to the young person actually wail as they realize their father has rejected them, and nobody wants them.


The amount of pain that is encountered on a regular basis in the average life is astounding.
I get to be there for those moments.

And I don't begrudge it. I hold it as a high honour.

Just been too many this year, I guess.

The routines of church life don't always allow time to recuperate. People to check on. Promises to pray. Structures to challenge and change. Practices, studies, stories.

Yeah. In many respects this summer is different.

And I didn't realize how much, till just now.





Comments are turned off for this one. I don't want this to be a pity party.
Seems to have helped, just to write it down.