Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Mercies large and small

The day is drawing to a conclusion and your care and prayers I have been aware of, and welcomed throughout the day. Really.

Sometimes when you are a human being, others need things from you, that you are frankly unable to give them. Usually those people are close to you, so you do what you can for them, and failing that, you just try to love them.

Similar things happen as a pastor, except the needs come from those not always close to you. When you can't be what they want you to be, you do what you can to love them, and in their pain they push back. Hard. That is something I understand and have absorbed in the past.

But these days, with some people I care for, the situation rests between life and death, and we are caught somewhere in between. I can't be what they want me to be. And honestly that troubles me, a lot.

The bigger problem lies with the fact that my dad is now going through these stages of life, and death. And I am struggling with which feelings go where. It's all just a mish mash of stuff inside.

I will be talking to people (read, get counselling! :)) to help clarify things inside. And it will be ok. I suspect it's mostly about my dad, and finishing well, and do I have what can help him, and I'm a dad too, and, and, and...

I've walked this road so many times as a pastor and as a friend and as a grandson.
I don't know how to do it as a son.

3 comments:

  1. As I read your post this evening, the very first thing that came to my mind was the title of one of John Piper's recent books - Brothers, We are not Professionals. I trust that you, and your family, will be able to experience the embrace of the Father through your brothers and sisters.

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  2. "And I am struggling with which feelings go where. It's all just a mish mash of stuff inside."



    Having recently lost an Oma I understand what you mean when you say mish mash of stuff inside. Thank you for sharing so openly - you are not alone.

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  3. We're praying for you guys. Let us know if there is anything we can do to make your life a bit easier... okay?

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