Looking through some old journals of mine tonight and I can't help but be surprised at how far I have moved in my life and faith. I am pleased to see how much I have matured, but indeed some things are better off in the hands of youth.
Faith for God to provide funds for an unexpected bill. Faith for God to actually heal and show up in power and might and wonder. Faith to see him answer an urgent prayer.
I feel like I have lost that passion, that youthful faith in God to meet a need.
I've seen God do some pretty amazing things, in response to asking and faith. But I've also seen him not respond in the ways I've asked him to respond, and maybe it just gets easier not to ask.
I know with age comes wisdom and experience and I really can't believe some of my youthful nerve with Him, or even more so, that he heard my youthful nerve and responded to my selfish calls for help.
But I can't help but feel loss of, innocence maybe. Childlike faith is gone because I have grown up into an occasionally jaded adult with a few cuts and bruises. I've got my own story now of highs and lows and three steps forward and two steps back. My memory banks get filled with the times I failed, and there is less room there for the stories where God showed up.
And the story becomes more about me, and less about Him.
My story used to be so much more about Him and me, than just about me. I am so tired of that, and thirsty for more. But more seems to involve childlikeness, and faith and trust, and innocence. I am not sure of which road to take to go back there, or even if you can get there from here.
My hope tonight is that He knows where I live and what I need. And if there is anything in this day that is good, it is that it is Pentecost Sunday. God the Holy Spirit knew who were his, and where they were meeting. And he knows the same today, for me and for you.
This is the God who makes old things new and dead things come alive. That hasn't changed about him not one bit. And tonight that is my hope.
Somehow the realization of how far I've come, or maybe how far short I've fallen, helps unlock my neediness and opens my own heart in some vulnerable way that gives Him complete access to me. Then, there in the DNA of who I am, He can make me young again.
Tonight this is my prayer.