As I sit here and consider starting my journey towards bed and blissful sleep, my face smiles at the work accomplished today. As a pastor, the work is always about people and God and the connections between the two. It's good work, mostly, but it is demanding work as well.
My face smiles outwardly and honestly I believe. But inwardly there is a creeping sadness which doesn't seem to have a quick fix pill to make it all better. And I have experience enough and training enough to know that there isn't any quick solutions for these kinds of things. There is only the next morning to be faced and you rise to meet the day, hopefully, maybe this day will bring a difference to the heart.
It's difficult to say what it is. It may be physical or emotional tiredness, or not getting ones vitamins. Perhaps it's the infernal darkness that seems to rule most of the 24 precious hours we've been given each day. Maybe it's loneliness or separation. I don't know. Anyway I get tired of trying self diagnosis. People who do that have fools for doctors, or something like that.
It seems we all here in the Field are trying to find our way back to normal. Lauralea is making noises like she wants the Christmas decorations out soon, which chills me to the bone because they are in the closet I packed so tightly that one pine cone pulled out will cause the whole to collapse on top of me. Micah plays guitar and listens to music waiting for a shift in the atmosphere because it's hard days for him too. Seems like it's just trudging through deep sand here for everybody.
I am doing a few things attempting to find level once again. Walking, praying, waiting, listening, watching, hoping, talking, moving.
"It's just a season, it'll pass. Hang in there." Says my dad's voice inside my head. I know it will, I just would prefer it to pass sooner rather than later.
… and in other happy news, it's nearly one month till Christmas…
I knew you'd like that.