I am not going gentle into this good night.

Sunday, June 19, 2011
Yes I know it's 1:00 am and I am up again.

Just in a mood I suppose. Feels really sad around here. And by "here" I mean "me."

I've been working a lot lately. Working with people. Energy gets depleted, tensions can develop, and let's face it, people who come to you for help don't always want to hear what they have come to you to hear. If that makes sense.

"Be my pastor, pray with me, watch for God in my life, speak into my life, just don't say the things I don't want to hear."  Really?

And the pain some people carry on a daily basis is sad beyond belief. Relational pain, rejection pain, pain of loss, pain of separation.  Or the one that completely seems like there is no way out, pain as a result of mental illness. Really. Most people wouldn't be able to carry what they do each day.

It all just catches up with me some days.
And on those days I am sad.

Today was just one of those days.

Look, it's nearly 2:00 am now.
I'm off to bed again.  Tomorrow I start early.


  1. "The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals and the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking the other point of view... letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings coming out of the wind." C.S. Lewis

  2. We all feel that sad stuff...just different circumstances, different waitings...I've felt it for the last few days myself. Praying for you....the weather may also have something to do with it, but feelings ARE fleeting, and that's a good thing, even if the circumstances don't....just yet...

  3. You might not feel gentle, but please know that God is always gentle with you - and pretty good at doing the gentleness thing with the whole planet - it's not all down to the pastor types....

  4. There seems to be a lot of sad about. I can't fix it, and I can't even make it feel less bad for a little while, unfortunately. Pastoring people is so much rock-hard place, especially when they have issues over things that require a change to who they are and what they do. I do remember on one occasion almost feeling crushed between the needs of the church and the needs of a friend who I also had responsibility for.

    I was going to comment along the lines of not being in control making things more difficult, but really that's exactly it: pastoring people means we're not in control, and very often even they aren't in control either.

    I hope you can get back to a better pattern of sleeping - concern/worry always fights against it.

  5. Pastor Randall,

    Actually I mean hey guy who happens to work as a pastor who is named Randall. Thanks for your utter honesty. It is not easy acknowledging our pain, and harder still when others look to us for support through pain so Thanks. I really dig your willingness to be vunerable enough to share your pain with others. It makes those of us who struggle with pain realize that we are not alone. Also, knowing the pain of sadness like an itimate bedfellow I understand the way it saps the every life from our pores so, I willingly have no advice but give all my support and encouragement. I am willing to lend my shoulder to the burden of your sadness. Thanks for being you even in the midst of heavy expectations.

  6. Thanks you guys.

    If words can be medicine yours are good for me.

    Actually in a way you all are at different places personally, but you each get it. Different parts of life are understood differently by each of you, because of where you are at. Still you get it.

    Thanks for that gift. Understanding friends are a gift from God.


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