Bún Ba Màu and self loathing in Edmonton

With the threat of rain tomorrow and truckloads of snow promising us a visit by Maundy Thursday, it seems only right to reflect upon Mondays glory.

Plus double digit temperature and lots of sun meant that Lauralea and I were on a break of immense proportions. Spirit-wise and sun-wise at least.

To be fair, I did sleep in a good bit, mainly because I had been up quite late the night before, working on a presentation I needed to have done. So with half the day before us and the beautiful sun in the sky, we headed to the big city for the day.

I needed to stop for a quick errand to pick up some things for the church, and herself was agreeable with it all, and so we did stop, briefly.

Then off to lunch at Doans Vietnamese Restaurant for some of what this body and spirit craves. Interesting, colourful, flavourful food from a different culture. Lunch was delightful and for dessert we shared a coconut ice-cream around a mango sherbet ball which was a white ball of happiness for the mouth.

It was a great lunch and as we left the place, the sun was warm and we were in the mood to walk and explore some shops. But I with my watch, estimated the time left for our other errands, which also had to do with me, and concluded that we probably shouldn't consider walking because we had other things to get done.

That was about when the clouds began, I think. Not so much for herself, because she is gracious, but for me as I began to push against the inner demands I had placed on myself to get some things done that day. It became cloudier and darker in the car as I struggled with the expectations I had given myself and the day. Pressure to accomplish things which were probably undoable, especially given that it was suppose to be a day off. Yet I hoist these expectation on me and my time frame and herself often just gets caught in the self loathing.

Why do I do it?
Why do we do it indeed.

There is no deep life lesson there, at least for the reader.  For me it underlines how I can't do it all and when I try, I end up doing less than I maybe could have achieved in the first place.

I thought life in a field had taught me how good things take time to accomplish.
I guess I'm not done with the lesson just yet.

At least I'm loved by a patient woman. That was the good lesson of the day for me.





1 comment:

  1. Randall.

    I've learned a few things in sobriety about doing things. And also about expectations. And when the two meet it is usually disastrous. Expectations are a luxury few can afford.

    The slogan "Easy Does It" comes to mind here. And also "First things First."

    These slogans fall in certain order.
    Live - Easy - But - Think - First

    Easy does it speaks the words of I can only do so much in a day. Which means on a good day, if I wisely use my time I can get a modicum of stuff done. But the trick here is to not pile too much up on my list that some of the things on that list aren't doable. There are only so many hours in the day. Some days I have too much time, and on other days I have very little time.

    You are only one man. And you can only do so much.

    First Things First tells me that there must be an order to my day. Wake > Prayer > Breakfast > Daily events > Dinner > Writing > prayer and meditation > bed ... something like that.

    Upon rising we take a look at our list and know what it is that tops the list before all others, then we tackle the day. A day well planned makes space for all these things, along with the work we need to do. It is in order that there is serenity.

    Be gentle with yourself and stop beating yourself up for not being able to do 100 things in a day's time. You aren't superman.

    Take it easy Randall.

    Jeremy

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