It comes at night.

It comes at night, this heaviness of heart.
Often when the day is over and there is nothing left to be done, it comes. I sit down to rest, and it appears.

Like a dark cloud it comes and I see before me my failures and my faults. I hear the voices of those who think I've done them wrong. I wonder about the things I could have done differently.

It's just heavy. And condemning.

Even after days like today, when I feel at least like I've been faithful to what I've been asked to talk about with the people. Even when my conscious is clear. Even when I don't have any reason to feel heavy hearted. Still it comes.

No, not every night, but often enough to tire me out, and discourage me.

When I'm not weary I can fight it. I fight it with truth and light because it comes as lies and darkness. But often I just bear it until I'm able to sleep.
The next morning usually brings light itself and the darkness has been dispelled.

Generally I've come to understand it as just a part of the Randall Friesen experience.

In a few hours the light will come again and things will be ok.
But tonight I'm tired.

5 comments:

  1. "Generally I've come to understand it as just a part of the Christian leadership experience."

    Who said you could have all the fun? ;)

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  2. Indeed. :)

    You know it's is a unique place to be in, and a very lonely place to be sometimes.

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  3. Isn't it.

    I've been feeling more inclined to just run away recently. Last night we had just 7 at one point, starting a meeting 10 min late, because one of the other leaders came late, then she walked out a few min after that. She's had a busy week and was 'not in a good place' to stay, but it provoked all the questions about what had I done wrong, why was I still doing this etc etc. Yup, lonely. The other person who carries the same level of responsibility is away right now.

    The church is growing, God is at work, but we're getting a really bumpy ride at the moment.

    Next week I re-start the worship team, commissioned by the leadership team to do so. I REALLY hope we can do it without baggage from before, and it will be a part of the new thing God is doing with us. I hope it will be a team, and not one man's effort to herd cats.

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  4. ...herd cats.

    :) exactly. That language has been used around here by others. It's indeed quite like that.

    I find it just demands more and more of my time to take care of ones self. When the work is tough like that and I'm filled with self doubt... it takes more time to process it or pray it through or even to take time for good rest.

    It's true that good character takes time and energy to develop and to keep in place. But I think it's that character that also makes us good for what God has called us to be doing.

    I guess I'm just saying, take care of yourself Toni. Be gentle and gracious and patient with yourself these days.

    Besides, if memory serves, I think you like cats.
    :)



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  5. Thank you. I'm told they taste like rabbit. ;-)

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