loosing at living

Thursday, March 29, 2007
There are days which find me pressing in and moving ahead, in spite of all the troubles, stresses and challenges of life.

And then there are days like today.

I just can't shake this flu/cold thing, and I need to go to bed. For a long time.

I want to, I need to feel better but there is so very much to be done.

Last night I was booked for three meetings, at the same time no less. What a dork.

So I made the best decision my snot infused head could make, and attended the 5 hour one which is in preparation for our National Conference Annual Meeting happening here in about a month. So many details, so much to plan for and carry out.

And it only dawned on me the other day that this Sunday is Palm Sunday, which means that Easter isn't far behind. So I am working to prepare for that weekend and all it's extra church and community duties.

I am on call this week, for the Hospital, and that puts me on edge just a bit. Always available and ready to go.

And my course work? Don't even talk to me about that, I am so far behind.

So, this morning when I awoke after my 5 hours sleep, and Thomas couldn't get the car started, I went out to drive him to school and saw the flat tire on the car. I think I just about had enough, and that was before 9 in the morning.

You get to these places in life where you know that the best thing for you is something that will hurt other people.

And I don't mean hurt as in offend, although that may happen too. I mean the kind of hurt that would increase their already huge workload. I mean hurt that would discourage them to the point of loosing hope, or breaking something that's already bruised in their lives.

You live with the responsibility of the choices you make in life. The choices we all make bring us down roads we maybe ought not to go down. Not because they are evil roads or choices, but because they are just not the roads we were meant to go down.

One of the hardest lessons I have to learn it seems, is to be able to make decisions that may cause others pain. I don't mean the temporary pain that will lead to growth and life for them. I mean the kind of pain which will cause them to loose heart.

I don't do that well at all. Partly because I see that as being selfish, and uncaring. Partly because I see it as a personal failure, a broken commitment.

But the end result of making questionable ever busying decisions is usually something dramatic. Some guys have their "Mid-life heart attack wake up call" thing while other guys suddenly make very bad decisions which will cause them to be caught and removed from the situation, Read: Have an affair.

For a while now I have been making better decisions about where I go and what I do. I think I'm doing much better at those kinds of choices. But then there are "Decisions" that are kind of thrust upon you. You are the only one to take them, by virtue of your job or work or even because you are a parent.

I think that is just a large part of where I'm living these days. It is what it is, and for this season of life, it's where I live.

Today I Just don't like the view from where I live.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

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