I could use a few prayers, good thoughts, or pizza...

Sometimes I despair that I will ever be in a state of consciousness again that will find me feeling free in my spirit to write. I miss that simple pleasure SO much.
Overwhelmed.

Lost.

Pressure.

Intensity.

Failure.

Are all words I would use these days to describe my insides.

It's not about the trip.

I'm having to make so many decisions these days that are just dang hard to make.

And they overwhelm me.

I mean, they're not life and death decisions, just the effects of weariness I suppose.

Tonight I stood at a rack in a store looking at a replacement for something I lost.

$29.00, a real bargain.

And I stood there, freaking out, unable to make a decision.  $29.00 is just a lot of money.

(and I know it isn't...)
I just hate me when I'm like this.

~

And just so you don't forget what I look like.

Here's a today image of me. Trying to make a decision on a camera.

You can guess how that's going.



It'll be ok.

Really.

9 comments:

  1. Freddy Mercury's younger brother, right?

    ;-)

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  2. Yeah, praying for you guys daily right now. I'm not sure how close you've come to breaking, but I wouldn't think there's much further to go to push you off the edge. Just don't kill yourselves trying to wring every last ounce of... whatever from this trip.

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  3. My turn to lift you up today.

    You and yours are explicitly in my prayers today.

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  4. "Freddy Mercury's younger brother" hee hee. :)

    Sorry for snickering. I couldn't help it.

    Seriously, I think I know the feeling you're talking about. And it always gets worse when I'm looking forward to something good, like a vacation.

    I've been trying to work on a writing project in the evenings and getting nowhere. Last night I was feeling miserable and tired and restless, so I took a walk. It helped. I'm sure there's some medical reason for why, but all I know is, getting out and doing something physical relieves stress and frees my mind.

    I'm not trying to offer some quick-fix kind of advice, just wondering if taking a good long walk would help. (I've also noticed that God likes to go on these walks with me. :) )

    Praying and wishing you a good trip.

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  5. “Freddy Mercury’s younger brother”

    Good one!

    I should use that as my tag line.


    I've been learning lately that ok, I may be sensitive, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

    I mean, it used to be a bad thing, I thought. So I would ignore strong feelings, or press them down. Neither response has ever been particularly helpful.

    But I've been learning how to be able to hold the feelings a bit. To pray them through and to experience them first hand. Without ignoring them, or repressing them, or being overwhelmed by them.

    Without allowing them to run me over, and at the other end of the spectrum, without ignoring them completely.

    So, as you can imagine, there have been plenty of opportunities lately to climb this learning curve.

    Last night was mostly about that inner struggle. Tiredness and mistakes make me just give in to the feelings of despair and failure.
    And the feelings own me, for a time.

    This morning I had a meeting with my SD and I took some time to talk that through, and explore my dealing with feelings, and emotions.

    I still feel quite new at these new kinds of processes, but I am growing.

    And these challenging opportunities just give me more room to grow.

    So, all in all, thank you for your prayers, kind thoughts, and I got no pizza, which is probably ok too.

    :)

    Thank you.

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  6. For heavens sake - your father is not going to send you on this trip alone. I think he will help you figure out the details. Relax.

    A walk might be a very good thing!

    Or pizza. But pizza requires decisions - you know like what toppings. :-)

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  7. I know he's going on the trip, it was his idea in the first place.

    Though I imagine the trip has some part to play down the road, last night wasn't about that.

    There are ghosts I am being loosed of. Changes in me that are needed and good, setting me up for a great trip.

    All that trip stuff will be ok.

    Right now it's simply work, tiredness, change, and learning how to use some new tools the Father has given me.

    It's good.

    And the only decision pizza asks you to make, is yes or no. And that is no decision at all.

    :)

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  8. You can ask for a little local help too.

    Thumbs nose in text as I'm too lazy to hunt down an emoticon.

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  9. Man... if only the internet had been working, you know I would've been there with a pizza! We could've shared it; it sounds like we've been going through some of the same emotions this week...

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