Today I doubt.
Just one of those days, you know?
Don’t want to be at work. Don’t want to chase down these flies that make my office sound like an outhouse. Don’t want to cough up phlegm any more. Don’t want to be sick any more. Don’t want winter to come before I get the windows cleaned. Don’t want to complain.
Sometimes, like today, I doubt. I doubt that what I have prepared this week to talk with the people about tomorrow will be of any lasting value. I doubt that my class I’m teaching in the morning will be of any help to a gang of Jr. Highs. I doubt that the love I have won’t be enough.
Today is just a doubting day.
If I’m not careful, that can lead to despair. Why am I here. What do I think I’m doing. I miss my family. I’ve got old peoples diseases. What was God thinking.
Yeah, if I’m not careful it can go there.
I have to believe that this takes place occasionally to those of us in this line of work. I mean, this happens to thousands of people anywhere on any given day, heck it used to happen to me when I worked making pizzas for a living too. It’s just that with this it’s not just pizzas that suffer, it’s real people with real spirits and souls and relationships. I feel a great deal of responsibility for those I have been given to watch over and care for, spiritually speaking.
So maybe it’s ok to acknowledge that today I doubt, and maybe it’s alright to not let it move into despair. Maybe even in naming it there is a measure of deliverance and help.
Even as I continue to plod through a hard day there is comfort in prayer and a sliver of hope that tomorrow may be better. After all, haven’t I found it to be true that God has more room to move and act through me, when I am weak and doubtful?
Yes it is true. But today I doubt.